You have been given a gift! An outlandish, and unbelievable power of choice. And, you will use this gift in everything you do, all day long, and in most situations you won’t even realize it.
What is this gift? It is the power of choice, the power to choose.
You can choose a Cheese Burger, a Hot Dog, or you may wish to fill your tummy with Pizza. If you choose Pizza, you will have more options to choose from. You can have thin crust, thick crust, cheese, ham, pepperoni, or just about anything your taste buds call for.
You will have other choices or options during the times you are interacting with your spouse. You can use words or statements that are kind, understanding, loving, warm encouraging and uplifting.
Or, you can choose words or statements that are cold, critical, unloving and discouraging.
You can also communicate with your eyes and lips by either smiling or frowning. You can make disapproving gestures by rolling your eyes in a way that says, “here we go again.”
Let’s Get Practical
Let’s say you are the husband, and you carelessly or intentionally make a statement that is unkind, critical, or accusative.
Yes, the words that came out of your mouth were probably inappropriate and hurtful, and no, you should not have said them.
Wife alert: At this point, you can choose to meet anger with anger and therefore light the fuse of negativity and more hurtful words or, you can make a willful choice to turn the conversation positive and loving and stop the escalation of anger and possibly a major conflict.
You already know what happens when one of you comes at the other with anger. Your blood pressure rises, your heart palpitation increases, your face may turn red, and a counter attack goes into full force.
Anger has been, is, and always will be, a part of every relationship, and in some ways can be good. Anger within itself is not the issue. It’s how it is used and who it is directed toward.
The question is; what will you do with it?
And did we mention that you were given the awesome power of choice?
Do you suppose this might be a great opportunity to use that power to avert
words that could possibly leave long-term scars, and unresolved conflicts?
Special Note: This does not mean you are to allow your spouse to be verbally abusive. That is totally unacceptable.
Let’s take a close look at the matter of choice.
If your spouse is coming at you with angry words or tone of voice, there is a simple and effective way to stop conflict in it’s tracks!
First of all, if you are the one that is about to unleash a flurry of hurtful words, stop! Along about now if you are the offender, you may be saying, “ I can’t help it, the words just come out.”
Now, unless you have some kind of mental illness, that statement is really dumb, and irresponsible. You might get by with going off on your boss one time, but if it happens again, you would be unemployed. So, if you feel like being hateful, hurtful and disrespecting to your spouse, Just stop it! Take a deep breath and stop it!
I am not saying you should never be angry with the one you vowed to love,honor and protect. There will be times when you are legitimately angry, but you can and must approach them with kindness and respect.
And if you are the one that’s getting hammered, respond with kindness, and understanding.
More on this in coming Posts
Here are two closing tips:
1. Just because you have a strong opinion, does not mean you have to share it.
2. However, at some point it might be good to use these words, “what you said really hurt me.” Let your spouse respond, but do not continue and allow the situation to enter into an argument, or a conflict.. Yes, this approach does work.